My Date With Myself

It seems like my posts on this blog have been few and far between, and a little sad, in terms of subject matter.  Thus, I shall write about something entirely frivolous and trivial.  Today is Friday, and most of my Fridays during the summer are glorious, because they are days when I get off work early.  We have this wondrous thing called summer flex scheduling, and it allows us to take half the day off on Fridays without much sacrifice.

Unlike most Fridays of this sort, this time, I really was at loose ends.  Michael is at a conference, so our usual standing date on such days could not take place.  So....I took myself on a date. 

The date began with completion of a favor for Michael: an Amiibo quest. I began the search at Best Buy, then continued to Target, and finally made my way over to Walmart, where it was partially fulfilled:

 

I headed over to Toys R Us to see if they had the other Amiibo that Michael requested, and was pleasantly surprised when the guy working in the video game section immediately noticed that I was lurking in the Amiibo section and asked me, "Are you looking for the new stuff?" I indicated that I was on a mission from my husband to find the Ness Amiibo (I made sure to mention my husband: I didn't want the guy to be so overcome by my striking good looks in my baggy ECU t-shirt and my new Vans that he asked me for a date, making it awkward for all involved).  He said that he hadn't got any in, but to check back because he thought the shipment had been split.  It had all the charm of our interactions with our comic book guy back in Tallahassee--that guy always watched out for what types of things we bought and recommended new stuff when it came in.  So much better than the very generic, "Can I help you find something?" 

  By this time, I was hungry, so I took myself to Which Wich?, which I'd been meaning to try for a while.

  I liked it pretty well--the ordering system makes it easy to get exactly what you want, and I liked the texture of the bread.

With my belly full (overfull, actually), I decided it was time to go shopping.  One thing of note: it is never a good idea to go swimsuit shopping after eating lunch. Ever. Lucky for me, I was able to turn my attention to other things. You see, ever since I saw the trailer for the second season of True Detective, I wanted a pair of gray jeans. Here's why:

Rachel McAdams reminded me that gray jeans are smokin' hotttt. So, when I stumbled upon a pair in my size on a clearance rack at Kohl's, I took it as a sign that I was yet another Rachel destined to look hotttt in a pair of gray jeans. Take a look at that price, people (and at the super cute t-shirt I picked up there, as well):

 Here's hoping the hotness doesn't stem more from the shoulder holster and bulletproof vest. The deals didn't stop there.  I went to a local thrift store and picked up several other items:

 

That dress makes me really happy, because it is a lovely cut and color--but I'm not entirely sold on those pink rhinestones.  I might change them out for something a little less...ostentatious.  We'll see. 

Finally, I picked up my lovely child from daycare and argued with her about what day it is.  In my child's world, the current day ends when she is picked up from daycare.  At that point, it immediately becomes the next day.  Thus, she will ask, "Is today a daycare day?" and what she actually means is "Do I have to go to daycare tomorrow?" We try to clarify this, but so far without much success.  She maintains that she is a "daypusher" (her term)--that she has the ability to push the day into the next (apparently just by existing? I haven't been able to get her to commit to a real explanation of how that works yet).  

What a lovely day.  I was a fantastic date.

 

Granny

My granny was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer, and upon leaving the hospital today, was enrolled in hospice care.

My mother started breaking the news to me on Thursday night, and provided a few more details last night.  It takes a while for things to set in for me, and my sorrow has truly manifested itself today, breaking in these intense waves of sorrow and grief throughout the day.  My reaction to news like this is odd, but predictable.  At first, I take it in stride, and I think to myself, "Wow, you're taking this really well."  I find out how wrong I was to think I was handling it well when the information really burrows into my mind, and the ramifications start galloping to the forefront of my thoughts.  

Enough about me.  Or at least...enough about my grief.  Let me tell you why I'm so grieved.  I believe that from the time I was in the third grade on up to the time I moved in with Michael, I saw my granny just about every day.  She was a part of my daily life, routine, and thoughts, almost as much as my own mother.  We lived so close to her, for so much of my life.

 I will readily admit that my granny is not a perfect being, but I think this makes her even better.  My granny is best described as a "character".  She has more in common with Scarlett O'Hara than should render her likeable--and yet I still adore her.  She can be impatient, and sometimes says cruel things.  Her temper flares, often.  She is a smidge vain, but it is difficult to fault her for it because she really is beautiful--it isn't her fault that she knows it. Some of my favorite memories are of watching her put on her makeup.  It was a process carried out with such precision, executed with the ruthless grace of an experienced surgeon.  She told me once that she had been coloring her hair (blonde, of course) and smoking since she was a very young teen (against her mother's wishes, of course). I always picture her as that girl--the one who wanted to grow up so fast, with blonde hair, stubbing out red lipstick-stained cigarette butts.

  
She picked my grandfather out to marry by spying on him from a hole in the wall in the girl's locker room, when he and a bunch of other boys went swimming for gym class (they swam naked, back the day).  "I said I wanted that one," she would tell me. She got him, and was it any wonder? She can be utterly charming, when so inclined.

As a grandmother, I admit that she does not always conform to societal standards.  From her mouth I have heard some truly inventive curses, and learned many words that would allow me to fit in with a construction crew.  But like some of the best grandmothers, she can cook.  Biscuits, fried chicken, chocolate pie, and a gravy so dark and rich that I coined it "motor oil gravy" were all things that I begged her to cook.  Best of all, however, is her ability to make each of her grandchildren feel special.  I can remember sitting on her lap and letting her rock me, even when I was too big for that sort of thing.  From time to time, she would take one of my hands in hers and run her fingers over the palm, exclaiming over how soft it was. She always  knew what to say to make me feel smart, beautiful, and above all, loved.

So many memories beg to be written as I think of her now, and yet many aren't distinct because they were just part of the daily routine. Like giving her a baleful stare through the storm door as she banished my cousin and I to the front porch in the summers, because "children should play outside--you're not gonna stay up under me all day!" Handing her blackberries with purple-stained fingers from the slings we'd made of our shirts, hoping we had finally gathered enough for her to make a cobbler.  Brushing her hair and giving her manicures and pedicures upon her suggestion that we "play spa".  Getting off the bus after school and sitting in her tiny kitchen, drinking coffee with her and eating cream cheese on crackers.  Stealing wedges of peeled potatoes, with my mother and aunts gathered in the kitchen while she was at the stove, and they planned out family get-togethers.  Listening to her talk about the Christmas ornaments that were special to her as we helped put up the tree. Hearing her coach every grandchild to reply to the question"Why are you so pretty?" with "Because I look like my granny." Watching her carefully as she cooked, so I could learn how to make the things she made with little effort (and no measuring, of course).


There's just so much, and it is hard to accept that she will be gone, soon.  Much like it is the case with my father, I grieve mostly for what Elizabeth will miss.  How will she understand who I am and how I ended up this way if she can't meet people who were clearly so influential--people who formed an important part of some of the best and worst times in my life?  I know and understand that it is the way of things, but it does not make accepting it any easier.  I can only hope that I can do justice to their memories, and that she'll get enough of a glimmer of what they were to me through those.  I know that I was really lucky, and I am thankful that there are so many memories that I can share.
 
I love you, Granny.  I will miss you more than I can ever express.  Thank you for being my granny. 

One Year

It's been a while since I've last posted--things have been incredibly busy.  I made sure to carve out some time to write a post today.  I won't be calling attention to this post on Facebook or anything like that, because if others haven't noticed, I don't want to upset anyone by reminding them of the significance of this date.

It's been one year since my father died.

This date has been looming large in my head for at least a week, maybe two.  It's so different from other times when I've lost people I love--some of my grandparents and friends.  I've never remembered those dates--I have a general sense of when it happened, but I never paid attention to the actual date.  For some reason, I can't forget this one.  In that way, I'm like so many other people.

Unlike a lot of people, however, in the course of this year, I never forgot that my father had died.  You know how people who have had similar losses say things like, "I'll think about how I need to buy a gift for him, and then I remember that he's gone and I can't," or "I almost called her up to tell her about this movie and then I remembered that she was gone"?  I never have that experience.  I never forget that he's gone.  I think it is because talking to my father was often a sort of, well, special occasion, really.  We didn't talk every day, or even every week.  It was something for which I planned: "I'll give Dad a call, and tell him about _______". 

Thus, I do not forget he is gone.  Instead, I think things like, "Dad would really have liked ________". 

When I celebrated Dad's birthday, I was surprised that it wasn't really a negative experience.  I was sad that I couldn't call him to wish him a happy birthday, and I missed him--but overall, celebrating his birthday was nice, comforting.  It turns out that the hardest time for me is around Father's Day.  I had to blink back tears as I looked for Father's Day cards for Michael (on behalf of Elizabeth).  I was wholly unprepared for that, because it had never been a very big holiday--nothing like Thanksgiving or Christmas--and nothing so personal as his birthday.  But the absence of a father on Father's Day reminds a child more of the primary role he played in his/her life--so it is a day that is almost as much about me as it is about him.  I can no longer participate in that day the way I once did, and it brought the reality of his death very much to the forefront of my mind.

I miss being able to tell him about Elizabeth.  I miss hearing him laugh over her antics and having him tell me how much I deserve her more troublesome behavior because of the trials I put him through when I was her age. 

I hope this day isn't hard for the others who were also close to him.  I'm not so sad that I can't enjoy things on this day, and for that I am thankful.  I almost didn't write anything about it, but I'd had these thoughts drumming through my head all week, and I couldn't let it go by without writing something. Sometimes writing really does feel like a way to de-clutter my mind.  If I don't write the thoughts, they just keep tumbling, ricocheting, forming and re-forming in different ways and combinations.  Now that these thoughts are written, they'll stay out.

For a year, at least.   

Happy Birthday, Dad

So, just a few days ago I would have called my dad to wish him a happy Thanksgiving, and today I would have called him to wish him a happy birthday.  This is the first year that I'm unable to do these things, since he passed away in September.  Today, he would have been fifty-three.

Dad with me, probably around 1986 or 1987

He died of cancer, and he died the morning that I was flying in to see him.  After battling steadily for two years, his final decline was very quick.  It probably isn't rational to believe that he deliberately died before I could see him--but it is what I believe.  When I first made plans to see him, my trip was to be a morale booster.  He was trying to get healthy enough to take part in the second recruitment round of a drug trial, and I wanted to see him to help raise his spirits.  I was bringing Elizabeth with me, because it's almost impossible to be sad around her.  Just one week before I was to see him, he became so weak he couldn't walk, and at that point he told others that he didn't want me to see him that way.  When he was told "too bad" and that I was coming to see him anyway, I think that he, in his normal, stubborn way, thought, "that's what they think."  I think he didn't hold on, because while I know he wanted to see me, he didn't want me to see him--not that way.  He didn't want me to remember him that way.

Dad with Elizabeth, Christmas 2011

 

 

At first, when it was all so fresh, I felt like it was selfish.  How dare he not consider my wish to see him one last time before he died? How could he do that to me?  He knew I was on the way.  On bad days, that is still the thought that flits through my head.  But on every other day, I know that what he did was one of the most unselfish things a parent can do for their child.  I know he wanted to see Elizabeth and me.  I know it.  But he wanted to protect me more, and spare me the pain of seeing my father in such a weakened state.

Dad walking me down the aisle in 2006

I want Elizabeth to know things about my dad, and I thought I could make sure that happens by starting a tradition of celebrating his birthday every year.  So, today I made one of his favorite cakes--Hummingbird Cake--and I hope to do this every year.  We'll set out a picture of him, and when she's older, maybe go through others.  I'll tell her stories about him, such as the fact that he liked to mess with my head when I was little.  I would tell him that I wanted to be a ballerina or something like that, and he'd respond by saying, "Well, when I was a little girl, I was the best ballerina in the class."

I miss him, but I feel comforted by doing something to celebrate him and his life each and every year.  Happy Birthday, Dad.  I hope you would have liked the cake.

  

Ta'veren Tuesdays: Casting Matrim Cauthon

Mat Cauthon is a really fun character in WoT.  At the beginning of the series, he is a scamp--a girl-crazy prankster who is always in trouble.  He always tries to take the easy way around any task, and doesn't like having to exert much effort for anything.  He strikes readers as extremely self-interested and somewhat lazy.  As the series progresses, the pranks give way to gambling, and he is a rogue who is always trying his luck with the ladies--and he does fairly well.  His aversion to effort seems to shift more to an aversion to trouble and dangerous situations--and who can really blame someone for that? In any case, we are told that he has a wiry build. He is tall, but not as tall as Rand, and I don't remember much about his hair or eye color--so it isn't really mentioned all that often.  Since he is from the Two Rivers, it is likely that his hair and eyes are some shade of brown. Given all this, here are my casting picks:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

 I think Joseph Gordon-Levitt would emphasize the boyishness of Mat's character--women often treat him as if he still is a boy, even though he is the same age as Rand.  Other characters don't always take him seriously, likely due to his preoccupation with gambling, drinking, and flirting.

Tom Hiddleston

 Mat is said to have a charming smile, and Tom Hiddleston has a face that really comes to life when he smiles.  I think he could pull off the boyish charm (though in this picture, those creases around his eyes may give him away as too old to play Mat).  I think he would make an excellent Matrim Cauthon.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson

 

Aaron Taylor-Johnson is showing up in more and more movies these days, but most will be familiar with him from Kick-Ass.  He has a self-assured smile that I can easily imagine on Mat Cauthon's face.  He may be a bit too er...beefy...to really call "wiry"--but that's fine because if he isn't appropriate for Mat, he might do very well for Perrin Aybara.  We'll be considering casting picks for Perrin next week.  In the meantime, any suggestions for Mat Cauthon? 

Ta'veren Tuesdays: Casting Rand al'Thor

So, the first character to cast for the Wheel of Time series has to be Rand al'Thor.  When the series begins, I think he is around seventeen years of age (if memory serves).  He is described as tall, with red hair and gray eyes.  He isn't bulky, and the impression you get of him in the first few books is one of a lanky, gangly teenager.  As the series progresses, it becomes clear that he is considered attractive--though not uncommonly so.  I take this to be an indication that he is likely not classically handsome.  Rather, it may be that he has an interesting, compelling face.  Here are my casting picks for Rand al'Thor:

Cillian Murphy

 Though he may be getting a bit long in the tooth to actually be selected for the role (he is around 37 years of age at this time), he can pull off red hair and grey eyes, and his facial features are distinctive and compelling.  I also believe that as an actor, he could pull off Rand al'Thor's range of emotions.  Movie magic would have to make him seem taller than he actually is (he is 5'9'').

Eddie Redmayne

 

 I admit that I haven't watched much of Eddie Redmayne as an actor, though in the few things I have seen him in, he seems to give it his all.  He is yet another who could easily pull off the red hair, the gray eyes. He isn't all that tall (5'11'')--but movie magic could likely take care of that.  If he weren't picked for Rand, I could also see him in the role of Gawyn Trakand.

 Nicholas Hoult

 

Nicholas Hoult is both the tallest (6'2'') and youngest (~24) of my casting picks.  I admit I didn't think too much of him in X-Men: First Class, but I loved him in Warm Bodies.  I haven't seen him in much else, but looks-wise I can definitely see him as Rand al'Thor.  

Well, that's it for this Tuesday--next Tuesday, I'll be casting Matrim Cauthon.  If you (assuming anyone reads this) have any suggestions for casting, feel free to leave them in the comments!

 

Wheel of Time Dream Casting Project

So...I adore Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series.  A friend encouraged me to read it, and I couldn't stop once I began.  I love epic fantasy--I'm always in awe of people who are good at creating whole worlds with their own language and history.  As a writer, I cannot fathom doing such a thing--the details that have to be hammered out and the hard work that must go into lovingly crafting the cultures and races and traditions and customs is simply staggering.  I love reading it and getting engrossed.  I love that usually, these stories have many, many volumes and take forever to read (because I read a lot).  I'm currently on book twelve of the fourteen books in the series.  You can really get to know a character after you've read thousands and thousands of words about them.  Their personalities (if done well) are so distinct and just...gorgeous to read.

In any case, this series hasn't been made into a movie or TV show yet (and I'm not sure it ever will--I don't see how it could be any less expensive or troubling to make than Game of Thrones, and though the HBO television adaptation of that series is wildly successful, I'm not sure anyone would dare undertake something this massive), but I can't stop thinking about a dream cast for the characters.  Many, many fans of the series have already done this, but I thought it would be fun to do the same from time to time on this blog.  I figure the posts will each focus on casting for one character, and I'm going to try to provide several actors who might be good for that role.  I will also try to provide descriptions of the characters from the books so that we can see how appropriate the casting choice might be.  It's going to be tons of fun (for me, at least)!