Flippin' out

Since I rarely ever put on makeup and fix my hair, I thought I should take some pictures to commemorate such a rare event. Today I was successful in getting my hair to flip up at the ends!! I was so surprised that it actually worked, and that it actually STAYED that way all day! Anyway, here they are. Hopefully these show off the new highlights better too.

Offspring

Not the band, but rather, children. I was talking about children with one of my colleagues the other day, and though I have no plans to have children right now, I often think about what my children might look like or be like. Michael and I plan to have at least one child, barring any problems with our reproductive systems by the time we get around to making 'em. I usually picture us with a little boy....I don't know why. Anyway, in the course of our tv watching, Michael and I joke a lot about how such-and-such kid actor is probably what our kids will look like, etc., and I thought I'd show two of the top contenders for what our children will probably look like (males). One is a young actor from the movie Nanny McPhee. He is small and short, with glasses, and red hair. He looks remarkably like Michael did when he was a little boy, and is as cute as a button. The other picture is of an actor named Martin Starr, and when he took this picture, he played the character of Bill Haverchuck from Freaks and Geeks, a short-lived but EXCELLENT show. He's tall and lanky and with glasses (our child is almost guaranteed to have eye problems) but his hair is brown. Change the eye color, and you have a combination of Michael and myself, as goofy as he may look. He was my favorite character from that show anyway. Anywho, if nothing else, this might make people laugh, or think about what their future children may look like (though if you already have children, then I guess this post might be boring, sorry). Which child do you think looks more like a cross between Michael and myself?

Griping

Warning: I'm about to gripe about something. If you hate reading about people's gripes, etc., stop reading now.

Today, I was sitting in a windowed hallway in the building where my office is located, looking outside. A professor passed by me on his way to the office, and then passed by me again on his way back, a few minutes later. When he passed by me the second time, he said, "You really should be reading, or something. You have work to do." He was utterly serious, and was criticizing me right there. Without knowing ANYTHING ELSE OF MY ACTIVITIES.

He was working under this general principle: graduate students always have work to do.

Here are some things he didn't know:
1) I am normally in my office by 7:35 A.M. every day. Today was an exception, because my husband and I slept through our alarm.
2) My husband and I slept through our alarm because we have both been struggling with a terrible form of head cold, and crazy long days, to which we are adjusting in this, the first week of the fall semester.
3) I worked steadily from the time I reached school today (8:20 A.M.) until the time the professor spotted me in the hallway (about 3:00, or 3:10 P.M.).
4) That was my first real break of the day, and I was reflecting upon the fact that I had been so busy that I forgot to eat, and unfortunately, because I had another class beginning at 3:35, I didn't really have time to eat. I was also pleased because despite being sick enough to warrant sympathy from coworkers, I had managed to have a productive day.

The world is not a fair place. I just need to keep repeating that to myself. Maybe I am a lazy student, but I REALLY didn't need to hear that from ANYONE today. In fact, I NEVER need to hear that from anyone. Bastard. Ugh.

Sick....again.

So, I have a cold. I caught it from Michael. Once he got sick, I pretty much resigned myself to the same fate. SIGH. It sucks buckets. I don't know what that means, but it sounds funny. Okay, I'm signing off because my head hurts.

No longer a Non-Blonde...

I wanted to look a bit different, so I frosted my hair, as you can see from the pictures. Michael and the neighbors really like it, and I'm getting more and more used to the new color. I decided life was too short to think that changing my hair color is an important life decision, to be undertaken seriously and carefully. Anywho, let me know what you think!

Snakes on a Plane

Michael and I, along with two of his comrades from the psychology department went to see Snakes on a Plane today. It was vastly entertaining, and hilarious. One of the comrades visited the site for the movie, and found a nifty feature, in which you can send a friend a personalized cell phone or e-mail message from Samuel L. Jackson, telling them to go to the movie with you. Michael received one of those messages and thought it was pretty funny. Anyway, it's a campy, quirkly little flick, and fun to watch.

Rachel Baker, B.S., M.A.

Well folks, it looks like I don't have to resort to one of my fallback careers after all! I was granted my degree this morning, after an oral defense of my exam. I've been calling parents and telling neighbors and former professors, and doing strange little dances ever since. I'm SO happy (the "so" is pronounced in this case like "sew"). Two degrees down, ONE MORE TO GO. YEAUUHHH!

Rachel's Guide to Avoiding Sex in Middle School and High School

I have a profile on myspace (yeah yeah, get your laughs out now, this is SERIOUS), and a lot of friends and family have contacted me on there. I was looking through some of the profiles this morning, reading blogs if they had any posted, and I was shocked by some of the things I read on the sites of some of the younger members. Some of these poor kids were pouring out some really awful stories about teenage pregnancy, and cheating boyfriends. I couldn't believe how young some of them were: fifteen and dealing with shit like that! It's RIDICULOUS. Now, I know I have almost always been pretty mature for my age, but I was NEVER, NEVER EVER ready emotionally for sex, pregnancy, or any of that crap when I was in FREAKING MIDDLE SCHOOL. I will also give away too much information and say that either I wasn't ready or I was too damn smart to do anything sexual in high school either (although, who knows....I really wasn't given much opportunity...I had all of two dates, all very innocent). But...I really feel the need to say something about this, even though it probably won't be seen by anyone who REALLY needs to see it. Here are some things to keep in mind whenever you feel the drive to have sex in middle school or high school:

1) Though it seems like everything during these years is SO FREAKING important and like that guy/girl is THE ONE, in the grand scheme of things, it is NOT very important, and that guy/girl is probably one in a long line of people you will ever have a crush on or fall in love with.

2) If you have any goals, you should consider what a baby or even a sexual relationship will mean for those goals. Also, YOU SHOULD HAVE GOALS (especially goals besides getting married and having babies)!!! You are young, vibrant, and your life is really just beginning. You don't want to be saddled down with a child, or with a serious and demanding boyfriend/girlfriend. Furthermore, your views and goals will change: so while you may think you want to be Susie or Sammy Homemaker, that will probably change.

3) If you think you are mature enough and smart enough to handle sex, then please please PLEASE wear a condom AND get on birth control. Try your BESTEST not to do one without the other, until you are ready and willing to deal with the consequences. Condoms break, and birth control (depending on the type) fails sometimes, due to things you may not even think about (especially certain medicines).

It all boils down to this folks: in middle school and high school, your hormones are going NUTS. So, for you to decide at this point in life that you are ready for sex is to say that people under the infuence of some sort of drug or someone in an asylum should be making important life decisions. Now, I know some of you feel ready, and would argue that you ARE ready and all I can say is that if that really is the case, then you will go through with guideline #3 without a qualm, and you are ON birth control or your girlfriend is on birth control, and you carry condoms with you and never EVER do anything without them. Okay, I've preached enough.

Test is over!

Okay, so my exam is over with. My fate is sealed, the die is cast, all that jazz. It was nice being a graduate student in philosophy for a while, but I may not be meant to be one for as long as I had planned. Anyway, on to fun stuff!

I found that I talk about myself a lot on here, which makes me uncomfortable. I know I am somewhat self-centered, and it makes me feel bad. So, I am going to feature information about some of my friends on here every now and then, to make things more interesting and to let them know how much I value their presence in my life. The first featured friend is Crystal (pictured above). Crystal and I have been good friends since...I want to say junior high or maybe more like high school.

Crystal is sooooo funny. She was voted "funniest person" or something to that effect in high school. She is married to another friend, Jeff (he'll be featured later). Crystal is also a movie buff. She had one of the largest VHS collections I had ever seen, and has been converting it to DVD slowly but surely. In high school, Crystal was a free-thinker, new-agey type of person (I received my first tarot card reading from her), but she's become a lot more conservative since she got out on her own. She has been pursuing a degree in education, and plans to teach the offspring of other people when they are "still young enough to love their teachers." Yes folks: kindergarten.

Crystal also tends to be on the forefront of slang, probably due to her dogged resolve to keep in touch with pop-culture. She has also coined a few phrases of her own, one of my favorites being, "thirsty like the devil". She also was able to take into her own language the frequent and funny misuses of language from her two younger sisters. Thus, whenever we mean to say someone is "psychic" that gets changed to "psycho."

Speaking of her sisters, Crystal was one of the most responsible kids I've ever met, because from the time she was small herself, she was responsible for taking care of most of her sister's needs (waking them up, getting them fed, making sure they got dressed, etc.), and when she was able to drive, for making sure they got to school. She also was in charge of cooking dinners for her household.

From all of this, I hope you can see why Crystal is an awesome person and a great friend. If anyone who reads this knows Crystal personally, what might be nice is if they would contribute a comment or two about her as well, from their own experiences of her. Anyway, that, gentle readers, is Crystal.

Calming down...

So I have two of my three questions answered for my masters exam. After I finished typing the second answer last night, I stopped feeling so hopeless about the endeavor. I might even say that I felt mildly euphoric! Perhaps the problem all along has been the worry that I would not finish on time? I don't know. I am still concerned with the quality of the answers I have given. But hey, the worst that can happen is that they will kick me out of graduate school, and after the last two hellish semesters I'm beginning to wonder if that really is all that bad. It will be embarrassing, to be sure, but....so what?! Yeah. So what?!

On a lighter note, has anyone else seen Lady in the Water? Michael and I disagree heartily about whether or not it is good. Michael thinks it sucked, while the neighbors and I think it was good. Now, I by no means believe it to be M. Night's BEST movie thus far (I liked Signs the best), but it was far from bad. Michael claimed the storyline was really stupid, and that the actions taken by the people were not very believable (namely, their lack of skepticism). I pointed out that it was difficult to see how anyone who loves Starship Troopers could criticize ANY movie, much less this one. Which is....fallacious reasoning, I'll admit. I was just being mean. Anyway, I'm just curious to see what some of my peers thought about the movie, to compare.

Alcohol and Truth....?

I read an article here at WebMD that raised the question of whether or not people are truthful under the influence of alcohol, inspired by Mel Gibson's recent bout of anti-Semitic comments made while drunk. Some of the points were a bit disturbing, considering some of the things that have been said to me by people who were drunk, or by my own words and behaviors while drunk. It is easy to push some things back in your mind when you think people don't really feel the way they claim to when they are drunk, but a bit more difficult when you consider that those may be their true feelings. Either way, it is an interesting article, and will make me think twice about overimbibing.

ARGH!!!!!!!

Someone just shoot me NOW. That way, people will say things like, "Aww, how sad! She was just about to get her masters too." If I live, then people will say things like, "Geez, what a shame. She was lazy and she didn't study hard enough and look at what happened?! She wasted all that time and now she is a FREAKING FAILURE." ACK! Okay, okay....I'm going to stop hyperventilating, and remember my fallback careers, and how even if I fail my masters exam, I'm still a WINNER:
1) Law school student, specializing in civil rights and/or environmental law (yes, I apparently have an aversion to money)
2) Intern at private detective agency (my secret dream has always been to be Nancy Drew....I'll just have to become so good I can refuse to take cases concerning cheating spouses, ick...)
3) Investigative journalist for Skeptical Inquirer Magazine, or Skeptic Magazine, or maybe the Center for Inquiry (whoo hoo, paranormal activity investigation here I come!)
4) CIA or FBI (they like philosophy students, right?? ESPECIALLY ones with some mad useful Ancient Greek skills.....*sigh*)
5) Umm...Ummm....okay, so I've run out of ideas....other than..bookstore clerk *shudder* and.....I don't know.

Enough self pity for now. Peace out.

Television, Master's exam....crap

Well, I shouldn't be posting, but I'm taking a break from my master's exam. My master's exam is such that it is a week-long affair, during which I must produce answers to three questions, that should be about five pages long each. I have until Wednesday of next week to do this, and I feel.....fine.

So, I can now add another man to the roster of television characters with whom I am in love. As I explained to my husband, Michael, it is perfectly fine for me to be in love with these men, because they are fictional characters. Thus, he is in absolutely no danger of losing me to them, because they do not exist. The one with whom I have been in love with for a few years now is Fox Mulder (the guy in the suit, played by David Duchovny) from X-Files. Why do I love him? Well, he is funny, loyal, fearless, and he tirelessly searches for the truth. Even with all his qualities, I think he is better admired from afar. After all, he puts his work before everything else, frequently puts himself and those around him in danger, and has a penchant for porn, though the last characteristic is more comical than offensive.

The new television love is the character of Logan Cale from the sadly short-lived series Dark Angel (guy in the glasses, played by Michael Weatherly). That I am in love with Logan Cale and NOT Michael Weatherly is obvious from the fact that Michael Weatherly is now on the show NCIS, where he plays a character that is a bit of a jerk, and I am not in the least in love with THAT guy. So even though both David Duchovny and Michael Weatherly are handsome fellas, that actually has very little to do with their appeal. Why am I in love with Logan Cale? He is the daring reporter Eyes Only who takes great personal risks to get the truth out to the people, and he is loyal and determined, as well as unprejudiced, sweet, and kind. Now, why would he actually be a terrible boyfriend in reality? Well, just like Mulder, he tends to be more committed to his work than anything else, and he, too, frequently puts himself and those around him in danger (though he does try harder than Mulder ever did to avoid such things). He is also a bit too prideful. In the series, he is shot and is rendered unable to walk. This seems to be a major factor in his inability to actually begin a romantic relationship with Max (played by Jessica Alba), as he only begins flirting with her and really coming on strong whenever he comes across temporary fixes for his disability. Thus, he seems painfully insecure, and too prideful to accept help, or to believe that someone could love him even though he can't walk. Trust a guy to let something like that get in the way. Anyway, I'm going to stop waxing poetic about guys who don't exist, and get back to the Master's exam. And if you are reading this, my dear husband Michael, keep in mind that existence in reality (in this case at least) really IS greater than mere existence in the mind (well, television), and that I truly love only you.

Updates

Okay, so lots has happened since my last post, and I'll try to summarize in quick, one-sentence segments.

Michael and I journeyed to Michigan a few weeks ago for a post-wedding reception given by his parents so that their friends in Michigan could enjoy the wedding celebrations.

I'm doing very well in my Latin course, but that will probably change since my other stuff (assisting and taking a graduate seminar) is about to begin.

I'm WAY behind on my reading for my master's exam. Damn.

I've started a running program I found online designed to gradually build someone up to running continuously for 20 minutes.

I've purchased a tennis raquet and some balls and have begun playing tennis with my very cool neighbors.

Whoo hoo!

Bummed out....

So, for all those who think I'm a really good friend, etc., there is some evidence that I may not be as great as you think I am. There was a guy in high school that was my best friend, and he and I were really close. We fell out of touch about....four or five years ago. I have tried to call this friend several times over the years, using numbers given to me by other people who are somehow able to keep up with him, but my calls were never returned. Most recently, I called a number that was known to be his to try and invite him to my wedding. I used to think that maybe he wasn't getting the calls, and maybe his messaging service was screwed up (like my cell phone message service). This illusion was shattered when another friend found him on MySpace, and I tried to message him.

I messaged him twice. Once just a friendly, "Hey, how are you?" sort of message, that was sure to let him know that I wanted to get back in touch with him. He did not answer. After a few days, I looked at his profile again, and it said that he had logged on since I had sent my message (MySpace has that feature). So he should have received my message, and thus he was simply ignoring me. I then sent another message, letting him know that I could see he didn't want to talk to me, and that I would leave him alone, but imploring him to just let me know what I did to fall out of his good graces. Because I honestly have no idea what I did, other than allow myself to fall out of touch with him (and that wouldn't be fair to blame me completely for that, he didn't try very hard either). I made it clear to him that I wouldn't try to contact him anymore if he would just tell me what I did to piss him off. This message was also met with silence. So, I don't know what I did. I don't know why we aren't talking, and it really bothers me. It's like I feel guilty, but I don't even know why. Since this guy was very sweet in high school, and we were really close, I just assume that he probably has a good reason to be pissed at me, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I did. So I guess I'll just try to push it out of my mind, and hope that one day he'll get around to telling me what the hell is going on.

Just in case.....

I've decided to trick myself into getting into better shape. I have found that I have lost motivation to exercise, since I don't really have any event or reason to look all that good. I mean, I would LIKE to look good for myself, but I find that apparently that's not enough to keep me from digging into my wonderful ice-cream, snacking on chips, and reaching for an extra slice of pizza. Michael could care less if I gained tons of weight (isn't he AWESOME?!), and the problem is that I already think I look decent enough. But I know that can change pretty fast, because I've been gaining a slight bit of weight, and already my confidence is beginning to wane. Thus, I need to motivate myself. It doesn't work to say, "I want to look good for swimsuit season." So, I think I'm going to trick myself into thinking that I am preparing to become a special agent with the FBI. Lately, I've been looking into other careers, because as many of you all know, getting a degree in philosophy (even advanced) does not guarantee a job upon graduation. Luckily enough for me, philosophy is broad enough that I can get a lot of other jobs. Out of curiousity (sp?) I have been looking into jobs in the CIA and FBI, etc.. For the FBI, I think one of the better jobs would be special agent. Unfortunately, but justifiably, such a job requires a certain degree of physical fitness that I do not possess. So, just in case I ever decide to be a special agent with the FBI, I should get into shape! I'll let you all know how this works, or, ideally, many will SEE how this works. We'll see.....we'll see.

Piercings, Tattoos, and My Mobi

Example #86 of how my mom is cooler, more laid-back, and generally more hip than I am: she recently got an eyebrow ring. I can't remember if I've blogged about this before (and don't care to look at my archives), but for those who don't know, my mom, Tracy, has three tattoos (to which she is always thinking of adding), and now, an eyebrow ring. I have no tattoos, and my piercings are confined to the ears. It IS strange, but has always been the case that my mom is more daring and...less reserved than I am. All of my friends adore my mom. They say she really is the coolest mom they know, and I have to admit that it is true. As a teenager, I rarely took advantage of this situation, probably to my father's great relief (though even he would have liked to have seen me date more...they were kinda worried about me for a while). In truth, I am much more like my dad. I will say that I fully supported and even suggested my mom's eyebrow piercing. She was thinking about getting a piercing done, but she wasn't sure where (her ear or somewhere different), and I suggested her eyebrow. Michael and I have a friend named Kara who had an eyebrow ring, and it had to be one of the coolest things I had ever seen. She wore it well. If I ever got a piercing anywhere other than my ear, it would be an eyebrow piercing.

All this reflection on how much my behavior contrasts with my mother's HAS had a nifty effect: I have finally figured out exactly what tattoo I would get, were I ever to get one. Any time I thought of getting a tattoo, one major reason I knew I shouldn't get one was that I didn't know what I would get. I had one thing recur to me over and over, and I couldn't figure out why that one symbol was always so attractive: a very simple, tiny anchor. You may ask, "Why an anchor?" It's not like I am a sailor, or in the navy, or that I hang around the sea or docks all the time. I don't even know how to sail. But I like the idea of a tiny little anchor (though I still don't know where I would get it), and I think I've figured out why. I like the idea of an anchor because I'M SUCH A DRAG! I'm steady, I stay in place, and I tend to valiantly try to tether other people around me in place as well. I'm resistant (though not completely) to being swayed. Thus, a tiny little anchor is an entirely appropriate tattoo for me.

Even so, I have not resolved to get a tattoo, but it is nice to know exactly what I would get. A new toy I DO have is a Mobiblu Cube MP3 player. I call it my Mobi. I LOVE it. I've wanted one for a long time now, and finally caved into my desire. It holds 1G and is so tiny and cute! I listen to it as I walk around campus to my classes and it feels like I have a soundtrack to my life. I think that was in some commercial for an mp3 player....anyway, it is like that, sometimes, and I'm really enjoying the experience.

Pictures galore!

I have made some new albums on the site I use to host my pictures, so you can can click on the title of this entry to go to that site and see them. I have albums posted for Halloween 2005 (very late, I know, but I've been busy), my wedding, and my honeymoon. Since the honeymoon is most recent, and there are now some pics up for it, I will say a little about how that went.

Michael and I honeymooned at T.H. Stone Memorial St. Joseph Peninsula State Park. We reserved a campsite, and camped there for four nights. It was a beautiful park, and we had a great time. The beach was a short walk away, and there were several trails on which we hiked with our dog, Goose.

We went to the beach every day, at least twice. During the hottest part of the day, we would get in the car with Goose in the air conditioning and drive around to some of the local shops to pick up ice for our cooler and to get any other items we needed. Goose wasn't allowed on the beach, so it was good that he was able to stay cool during those hot and shadeless hours of the day. Michael and I spent a lot of time exploring the park, reading books, and playing games. Our campsite was electric, so we took my laptop and watched DVDs at night. It was very relaxing, and a complete pleasure-trip. It was nice to have a trip where we weren't obligated to do anything or visit family members (not that those aren't nice, but....this was nicer).

We have never been so close to so many different types of wildlife. Michael was swimming and dolphins swam within yards of him (I, of course, never got in water past my ankles, because I have an irrational fear of being attacked by sharks). There were crabs of differing sizes everywhere along the beach. We saw deer at least three different times. Once, we were on a trail with Goose and spotted one, and it didn't even run away. It just stood there, not fifty feet from us and we watched as it calmly walked away, about three minutes after we stared at each other. Another time, Michael and I were walking along the beach, and five or so deer came down from the dunes and walked near the water. Beach Deer! Crazy. I guess they like looking out at the water too. We also saw a grass snake, and some very cute and fat rats. The most comical event involved a raccoon. Michael was getting something out of a cooler we used as a pantry one night, and he walked to my car and opened the trunk to get something else out, and when he looked back, a raccoon was inside the cooler, and it grabbed our bag of marshmallows and took off. Michael threw my car keys at it to get it to drop the bag, and he retrieved the marshmallows. It was pretty funny: a raccoon with a sweet tooth.

Well, I've droned on long enough, but as you can see, the trip was great, and we had a wonderful time.

I survived!

Okay, so...I survived the horrendous ethics exam I spoke of in the last post. I am not sure how, or how well I survived, but I did. I was pleased with all my grades this last semester.

I also survived my week of camping, on the belated honeymoon that Michael and I took. I will talk more about it when I make a post with a link to a photo album with the pictures I took while we were there. I didn't take very many because we were so busy actually enjoying the vacation that we would often forget the camera, and...well, I really can't regret that. I know some people love to catalogue every memory, and a lot of times they have these massive and wonderful albums, but I find I am happy enough just doing these things, and talking to others involved in those same events to jog my memory. I imagine I will feel differently when I'm older, as it seems that has been the case with many things, the older I get.

Speaking of being older, I figured out today that I am most fit for retirement. Michael and I were driving along the Florida coast, away from our campground on St. Joseph's peninsula, and I began to talk about the pros and cons of living on a beach. I have a picture in my mind of various scenes of myself living out my last years, and I feel an overwhelming peace. Though so many think that's one of the worst times in their lives, I think it will be one of the most peaceful and happy. In my retirement musings, I can easily imagine myself in a small cottage somewhere in Derbyshire, England (where most Jane Austen movie adaptations are set), with a small patio shaded by trees looking out over the rolling green hills peppered with jutting rocks. I will have a lovely garden, because that will be one of my main hobbies, and I will grow flowers and herbs. My little cottage will have two bedrooms (one for Michael and me, and one for guests) and a study with built-in bookshelves on three of the four walls, with the wall facing the most scenic view lined with large windows, and a long desk underneath them. I will spend my time reading lots of great literature and philosophy, gardening, and hand-writing letters, because hardly anyone writes letters anymore. I'll go on long walks in my straw hats or headscarves, and everyone will know me as the funny little American lady.

It's only fitting I'm dreaming of retirement, and that I think it will be a nice time in my life, considering I've always had a rather old personality. I'm not really vivacious, and I've never really had a wild streak. Michael used to worry that I would suddenly go wild one day and do all sorts of crazy things that I never did in college, but he's recently confessed that he no longer thinks that will happen. Occasionally, I loosen up a little, but for the most part, I'm responsible and ....well, most would classify me as rather boring. I've just never fit into whatever age I've been, and so..I think the age I'm really fit for just hasn't come up yet. Maybe twenty-four will be it? I'll know in June. Anyway, I'll post more interesting things next time, with links to albums with pictures of both (hopefully) the wedding and the honeymoon. Until then........

Twin Peaks Makeover and Test

I've been watching Twin Peaks lately. I'm mesmerized by the show, but have no idea why. It is distinctly soapy in nature, but it's just so WEIRD I can't help myself. I'm especially taken with the character of Audrey Horne, played by Sherilyn Fenn. I want to grow my hair out into her style. What do you think?

So, when I say I've been watching the show lately, I mean that I watched it the week before this last week. This last week was hellish, because I had an important paper due on Monday, a HUGE HORRIBLE DIFFICULT test on Thursday, and I had grading that had to be done by Friday morning. I've never been so stressed in all my life, and it was justified, because the test I took was horrendous. It was just about what I expected, which was why I was terrified the entire week. I've never studied so hard for a test in my life. For all the good it probably did. Anyway, it's over, and there's nothing I can do about it now. Hopefully it will turn out okay.